I urge my fans across Europe to be dignified in defeat. I do not want street riots as I’m a peace-loving bird,” he said.

11am

Are you a straight man (or the butch half of a Sapphic couple)? Are you familiar with that movie about Carrie Bradshaw and her neurotic, shoe-obsessed harridan chums that premiered in London the other night? If so, multiply your complete lack of interest in escorting the wife or girlfriend to watch this giant gobbling turkey by 10,000 and that’s how much the Fiver is looking forward to sitting through tonight’s Euro Vase final.

5pm

Helsingborgs striker Henrik Larsson has been named in the Sweden squad for this summer’s European Championships.

12pm

Two weeks ago we had a game at home [against San Jose] and I had two of my office staff from the commercial department playing, two people whose job is to sit in the office all day doing their work. We needed bodies and we didn’t have bodies…

12pm

The main gripe that The Paranoid Tim has with Gordon Strachan is purely tactical. Strachan’s use of tactics - and his steadfast refusal to alter them - slots him into the big list of tactical geniuses somewhere between Alex McLeish and whoever came up with that wonderful World War I idea of walking slowly over no-man’s land towards machine-gun filled German trenches.

3pm